Irrefutable Facts

Let me begin this delve into the wonders that emerge from the glorious thing that we call a pork belly by explaining to those of you who may be unfamiliar with this magnificent slab of angel(pig) flesh.

A radiant pork belly

As defined by that source of all knowledge on the internet (except this one), Wikipedia. “A pork belly is a boneless cut of fatty meat^[1] derived from the belly of a pig. In the United States, bacon is most often made from pork bellies.” For those of you who need more information can look in your set of Encyclopedia Galactica or your local butcher.

This is a pig

What that wonderful source of information fails to note is the intriguing properties of this piece of meat. The pork belly itself contains regenerative properties, although slight, and can fully regenerate the entire animal from which it is derived. The process takes quite a while, over a year, and suffice to say that no one has left a pork belly unattended and unmoved for over a year without eating or throwing it away. Because of this urgency to move the meat, as it were, this is almost entirely unknown to the livestock and meat industry.

There was one occurrence in 1929 where a meat packing plant shut down due to immense financial pressure, and thousands of pork bellies were left unattended for many months. When the plant was finally opened, the new owners were surprised and terrified to find hundreds of half formed pigs strewn about the packing room floor. These partially regenerated animals had to be destroyed and no official record of this was made.

Many people believe that mayonnaise is a combination of oil, egg yolk and vinegar or lemon juice. Even wikipedia, a well known source of perfectly factual information claims it is so and has a long history and many citations to back it up. But, this is just part of a world-wide conspiracy to hide the real truth about the source of mayonnaise.

In 1654, miners in the heart of France, while searching for fresh deposits of coal, uncovered a deep cavern filled with the white sandwich spread. After weeks of clearing out the gallons of goop that filled the almost 100 thousand sq ft space they discovered the source of it all: a large white worm.

An infant mayonnaise worm

The body of the worm is 100 ft in length and almost 30ft in diameter, it’s white grub-like flesh is covered by a layer of acidic viscous liquid that allows it to burrow through solid stone and deep into the earth. It survives off of the limestone deposits that work their way through the earth’s marbled crust. The miner’s were likely horrified at the sight of the beast, but had discovered that its excretions served quite well as a tangy sandwich spread and soon became rich from its marketing. Soon such worms were discovered all around the globe and mayonnaise was available to all.

What a french mayonnaise aristocrat may look like.

It was realized that marketing the white substance as worm spread would not bring in revenue, so a council of chefs throughout all of France was assembled. This council met in secret for months to come up with a recipe and a pact that the origin of mayonnaise would never be truly revealed, as it has been until today.

Many have asked the questions: how did spoken language come to have so many diverse sounds? Where did the vowel sounds come from? Did they evolve naturally or was it decided in some kind of preconcieved act to place the particular vowels in their positions in words. For example, why is the word “potato” not “petati” or “puteta”?

A dictionary

The answer is more simple than one may think. Early in the evolution of language there were no vowel sounds. The first evolutions of man simply didn’t know that they could be made. When any communication was made it took the form of short bursts of consonants (“ptt”, “jmp”, “bck”, etc). These sounds were faster for more efficient communication and were only needed to convey the simple commands and requests of primitive mankind.

A portrayal of a primitive man

But as time went on, communication got more elaborate, there was more to say and more needed saying. Over time as these simple strings of consonants were spoken again and again, down the generations vowel sounds began to evolve.

Some consonants

If you notice, when you speak strings of consonant sounds, it seems that your mouth is more likely to insert a particular vowel rather than another. “Rp” becomes “rope” and “rst” becomes “rest” more readily than “ripe” or  “rust”. Much in this fashion did vowel sounds make their way into language as we know it today.

It is a little known fact that the creature we know as Snuffleupagus from the hit childrens’ show Sesame Street is more than he seems. He begins his life on the show as a strictly imaginary creature that only the character Big Bird can see. As the show went into a longer run this ‘Mr. Snuffleupagus’ became a real being and was visible to other characters on the show. The reason purported by Sesame Street for this materialization was to eliminate the exclusivity of friendship with Snuffy and to remove the element of Big Bird being called a liar for his talk of this character with others on the show.

Mr Snuffleupagus

The truth behind this is little known and actually quite interesting. During my research into the subject of Snuffleupagus i scheduled interviews with Big Bird in his spare time and came quickly to realize that he was a rather intelligent being. In fact, Big Bird has been studying links between theoretical physics and the occult practices of Aleister Crowley. He revealed to me that Snuffleupagus first appeared to him many years ago as he attempted to use sacred Solemnic symbols in the aiding of accelerating particles past the speed of light. This experiment was unsuccessful, but as a result the being known as Snuffleupagus presented himself to Big Bird and thus began a friendship.

Since that meeting, Snuffy had agreed to allow his image to be exposed to film recording to allow the many viewers of Sesame Street to be exposed to his being. This was all an attempt to relate the truth about the universe to the viewing audience, hoping that the children of the world would be able to understand it better than more conservative adults. Over the years in many hidden phrases and situations the truth was to be made apparent.

Unfortunately, the message was largely missed by Sesame Street fans. As a childhood Sesame Street viewer myself, i must say that the ideas did reach us, if only in a small subconscious form.

Big Bird

As our interview’s progressed, Big Bird revealed to me that truth.

Big Bird: What many of the children failed to realize is, that Snuffy was much more than they could see or hear.

Interviewer: I am not sure what you mean exactly, could you elaborate?

Big Bird: Well, being his friend and associate i know he never really wanted his message spelled out plainly. But, given the current trend in childrens’ television towards shorter attentions spans and bright colors perhaps he wouldn’t mind. Snuffleupagus, as you know him, the big friendly wooly mammoth, is only a small intrusion of a vast poly dimensional hyper-being into our universe. He is known throughout the many universes he inhabits by many names, but he has made it his duty to convey the truth about existence and the pure being to us all. In quantum physics it is theorized that gravitation is the only force that can reach and effect P-Branes parralell to its orginating Brane. This is true, but there is a deeper truth about the life force of a being, within us are pockets of super-gravty that once we are disconnected from the mortal coil we bounce from one Brane to another and manifest our being in another separate dimension. We can, however, travel between these branes voluntarily and without sacrificing our current existence on this plane. It was these secrets and the method by which one could make these journeys that he was trying to convey.

Interviewer: And what are the details of this method?

Big Bird: Snuffy always told me that these could not be conveyed in mere words and had to be understood subconsciously.

So there you have it, a secret, hidden from human eyes right in front of our faces. Perhaps we are not ready to understand the truths Mr. Snuffleupagus is trying to convey, perhaps we are unwilling. All this reporter knows is he will keep watching and listening to that big friendly wooly mammoth, who just may have the ability to free us all.

This is an old text that has been around the internet for a while now. But i like it and it is appropriate. Enjoy.

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There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with,thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

What Santa would look like, experts say

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

It has been said and proven that bears cannot run down hill. But, what does this say about the mightiest of bears, polar bears?

As you may have seen, polar bears can indeed move downhill. However, unlike the typical brown, black or grizzly bear, they do not fall end over end. Rather, the mighty polar bear, will slide downhill in a controlled sledding fashion. Therefore, if you are pursued by a polar bear in the arctic environment, as they are wont to live, do not run downhill, it will catch you.

The mightiest of bears, the polar bear

So, you may ask, how do i escape such a ravenous bear attack?

The answer to this requires some preparation on your part. When traveling in an arctic environment always carry a toboggan lubricated on the bottom with silicon. If no silicon is available seal or whale fat may be used. But, make sure the sled is pre-lubricated and aim yourself towards a steep and long enough hill as to be able to outrun the polar bear. You will move faster over time than the polar bear, but they have incredible initial speed.

So, carry a sled, aim for a long steep hill and pray that the bear isn’t similarly armed with a sled of his own.

Golf is, as popular belief supports, a sport. It requires both physical stamina and dexterity. Professional golfers train for many years to increase their skill and have to remain in good physical condition to keep their scores in competitive range.

What golf may look like.

The definition of a sport according to the free online dictionary is defined as:
“1.
a. Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.
b. A particular form of this activity.
2. An activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively.”

This allows golf to fall well into the definition of a sport.

This disease has been declared a global pandemic, but where did it come from? Scientists purport that it mutated from several strains of swine flu virus allowing it to become more contagious and more deadly. This is true. But what is on the public’s mid is: How did that happen. Well, leading researchers in the field have come up with an answer to this baffling question. The answer lies within the origin of the AIDS virus, which supposedly originated in the African jungle, when someone somewhere was attacked by an infected monkey.

The dreaded H1N1 Flu Virus

A similar thing is true with the H1N1 virus, with a slight exception. This virus was able to mutate and carry more quickly from animal to human because of bestial intercourse with a pig. You heard me right. Someone, somewhere, decided that a particular pig, who happened to be carrying this virus in its original form, was a good bedfellow. This unnatural mating caused exchange of fluids allowing the virus to adapt itself more readily to the human physiology. Moreover, it has been determined that this coupling would have had to have been on multiple occasions.

this is a pig

This idea had been scoffed at by the scientific community until one researcher introduced the environmental factor of radiation, perhaps from a nearby powerplant or overhead high tension power lines. This contributing factor, along with the aforementioned frequent coupling with this particular pig, caused the dreaded H1N1 flu virus to emerge as the global pandemic it is today.

The dictionary spelling of Ridiculous is as it is written in the headline. But this, unfortunately for everyone who spells it this way and the dictionary, is wrong. The correct spelling of the word is ‘rediculous’. It is resolved by simply sounding the word out ree-DIC-yu-lus.